to you.

Why am I horrible to the people I genuinely love the most?
The one's whom I never want to leave my life.

Why?

Am I trying to push them away because I fear the way they make me feel?

Why? Why? Why?

I want to change.
I want to say I'm sorry for the way I am.
I will change.

But I always fear it's too late.
But each day I don't say it and I don't change becomes even later.

If you ever read this, know that I'm sorry.
My love for you is no excuse for the way I sometimes treat you.

me.

Happy with being me.

Only You

It's strange to want someone to love you.

Especially when you're young and you're not sure what love really is.
Especially when you think that the intensity you feel is one sided.

I feel like I've fallen into a pattern of "falling in love" with someone new every other year starting in Pre-K. And yes, it's always a one side crush that the other person never knows about. And yes, of course those were only childish school girl feelings. Experiments if you will.

But this time I'm mature and it's different. Extremely different.

That's all I can say for now.
That's all I'll put out into the world for today.

That crushing feeling.

I have that foreboding feeling in my chest. It's like there's a ten pound weight sitting on my rib cage and it increases my heart rate and makes it harder to breathe.

I've just been worrying about the future again.

School starts in two weeks and I still have a lot of work to get done. And the thought of getting into college and how I'm going to pay for that part of my future popped up into conversations with my mom today.

Everything's going to work out though. It always does.

2014 Wasn't As Far Away As I Imagined

Senior year is set to start in just about two weeks.

That's incredible.

To think that so many years of my life have passed by so quickly. How did that happen? I can't seem to fathom the idea that I may never see my friends again, that my life may never be the same again as I enter what is known as "adulthood." Senior year doesn't just mark the end of high school. It marks the end of one's childhood in a way. I may never be allowed to follow my mom around shopping malls and sing out loud in public places. I may never be allowed to dream and be "unrealistic" about the future. I may never be allowed to believe that anything is possible. Allowed being the key word. Because aren't those things frowned upon as one ages. Aren't we supposed to act mature and know what we're doing; have a realistic outlook on the world?

All I know is that I plan to make the best of this senior year. I'm convinced that I have the most amazing friends in the world. So I plan on the making most of the little time I have left with them. Not until last year did I become close to my friends. It kills me to think that my friendships may have an expiration date as life and distance takes over. I plan to make my greatest effort to keep those friendships alive as they mean so much to me.

College Applications, Friendships, Teachers, School Events, Incredibly Difficult Classes.
Let's see what this school year has in store for me.